Aileen Furey on LinkedIn: Bold entrepreneurs know how to have hard conversations. Here's the… (2024)

The four scariest words...."We have to talk"Don't leave people hanging! Do this instead:"Hey, can we set aside some time to talk about [fill in blank]"Thanks Sigute Zitikyte for putting this meme on my radar!

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When you're willing to have those hard conversations, it yields powerful relationships instead of pointed fingers. That's a win.

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Most people think of conflict as raised voices and angry exchanges. If it’s loud and angry, chances are you’ve missed an opportunity. Conflict happens anytime your view of the world clashes with someone else's. It can be the silent treatment.Or rolled eyes when you hear someone's voice.It can be tears. Or it can be a bad night’s sleep as you go over an interaction in your head. It can be annoyance.It can mean you walk away when someone joins the group. And so much else. These are all conflict. It’s quiet, until it’s not. If you wait until it gets loud, it might be too late.

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You vent to others to feel better. But more times than not, you actually feel worse after. You might feel better temporarily. You're usually validatedThe other person reassures you: You're right You didn't do anything wrong They had a bad experience with the same personVenting lets us bond over our conflicts. But that bond isn't deep or long-lasting. Plus, the conflict lingers the more we talk about it with others.So how do we bypass that positive feedback loop? → Don't just vent, ask what you could have done differently → Ask them to remind you of the other perosn's good qualities → Invite input to help you separate fact from fiction (assumptions, opinions) → Talk to the person you're in conflict with instead of othersVenting can give you a boost in the short term. It doesn't improve anything in the long term. It's not that you shouldn't talk to others about the conflict you experience. But do it with intention. Let it be an opportunity to work through the conflict directly. Invite advice, encouragement and input to disrupt the conflict.

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As an employee, I avoided some necessary conversations, too.As an entrepreneur, I've shifted. When I worked for someone else, it always felt risky to speak up. Am I overreacting?Is this actually my fault?Will people think I'm difficult?I didn't want to lose my job, be excluded from "good work" or make enemies. As an entrepreneur, those worries are displaced. Now I focus on the consequences if I don't speak up. Could it hurt my business?Will it affect my love for self-employment?How will I feel if it happens again? Now, I know it's riskier to not have those conversations. I love what I've built. I won’t let avoidance undo what I've worked for. Now, I happily avoid the costs of inaction, not the conversation itself. If you're still shy to speak up, it doesn't have to stay that way. You can make that shift, too.

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We’re taught to follow our instincts. But in conflict, our instincts lead us astray.We've had a lifetime of conflict avoidance conditioning:→ “Don't start drama.”→ “Take the high road.”→ “It will blow over, wait it out.”→ “Don't talk about your feelings at work.”→ “If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all”To manage conflict better, we have to do something different. That means we take a counterintuitive approach. At least at first. We can rewrite the ending of the stories we've been told:→ Feedback helps you both reach your full potential→ Explore differences to spot issues, improve ideas and create solutions→ Change is good, but it won't happen unless you say what doesn't work→ Candour builds connection and collaborationWhen we do that, we rewire our conflict management instincts toward outcomes we really want to achieve.

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The person you’re in conflict with right now…They didn’t create it all on their own. I help my clients answer the big questions:→ Did I ignore a red flag?→ How did I contribute to it?→ Was I people pleasing, but actually upset?→ Did I assume they would know what bothers me? When you look inward, you become more open to the other person’s perspective.This helps you start a difficult conversation without… difficulty.Self-awareness always helps start a conversation on the right foot.

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The old way of business is out: competitive and cutthroat.The future of business is here: community and collaboration.(Easier said than done…)As a lawyer-turned-conflict-consultant, I stop clients from sweeping conflict under the rug.We’ve all done it:→ Assume the worst.→ Blame the other person.→ Overthink their intentions.It shows up in how we talk about people:→ “I'm right, they’re wrong” .→ “It’s not my fault” .→ “I said my piece”.When there’s conflict, we go for the easy solution.Make up our minds and sweep it under the rug.Instead, we should explore our conflict:→ With curiosity.→ With questions.→ In conversation with one another. It’s a skill like any other.And I’m here to help you build it.

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So many people tell me they want to be better at hard conversations. I applaud them but then immediately try to reframe it.Hard conversations aren't that hard. We think they're hard. We imagine all kinds of worst case scenarios. The other person will get mad. It will cause drama. Or we'll realize we were in the wrong. Or even worse, that we've overreacted. All cringe outcomes, right?Good news, those outcomes are usually in our head. So let's stop telling ourselves how hard it is and not imagine all these terrible and embarrassing possibilities that are unlikely to happen. They're just conversations. Yes they can be important, meaningful and potentially transformative. But they're just conversations nonetheless.

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