Chapter Text
"No, I can't wait to see you more!...No, I can't wait to see you more!"
Twelve-year-old Lincoln Loud paced back and forth in the living room, sounding like a broken CD, repeating the same phrase over and over again. His ten sisters were in front of the TV, switching their attention back and forth between the newest episode of The Dreamboat and their brother's lovesick gushes to his new sweetheart. They honestly didn't know whether to be excited over their brother's new romance, or grossed out by his mushy love talk.
"Okay, you win!" And he finally hung up.
Lynn Loud Sr, the kids' father, came in with a homemade pie fresh out of the oven, beaming at his son from ear to ear. "Big night tonight, buddy! Baked a special treat for your little treat!"
"Dad! Gross!", the kids groaned.
Rita came into the room, also wearing a smile. "I'm curious to know, Lincoln, where did you meet this girl?"
"Oh, I haven't actually met her yet.", Lincoln explained. "Her cousin Colleen O'Sullivan goes to our middle school."
At the name, Lynn jolted.
"Colleen O'Sullivan?! Did you say Colleen O'Sullivan?!"
Lincoln smiled, the harsh, unforgiving tone of Lynn's voice seemingly not sinking in. "Yeah! Colleen took her cousin Patty as a guest to the last school dance we had, where I did my magic act for the school as entertainment. Sally loved my magic tricks! She's into magic, too. We've been discussing our favorite illusions and slights-of-hand for two weeks now!"
"A girl is actually into your whole magician bit?!", Lori exclaimed. "Lincoln, you literally have to hold onto this girl!"
Lynn stood up on her cleated feet. "Colleen! O'Sullivan! You got hooked up by Colleen! O'Sullivan!"
The girls all glanced over unsurely at Lynn Jr.
"Wow, Lynn. I didn't know you had such bad memory. I mean, you can't even remember her name after ten seconds!", Leni said.
Lisa pushed up her glasses. "Unless you have severe short-term memory loss, I'm going to make an educated guess that you carry some sort of personal emotional negativity, street name; beef, with this Colleen O'Sullivan character."
"Oh, yeah, Colleen has sort of a...reputation at school.", Lincoln said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Yeah, a reputation as a snake!", growled Lynn. She had the same look on her face as she did when she was about to start in a football game.
"Is there a legit reason you don't like her, Lynn?", Rita asked her fifth child.
"Heck yeah, there's a good reason!", Lynn barked. "She's the one who put a melted chocolate bar on my bus seat in sixth grade! When I got off the bus, I walked through school for four hours looking like I'd pooped my pants before I realized what happened! For two months, people in the halls would loudly ask if I needed to go and change my diaper! It took me beating up the last guy who asked me into a bloody pulp to get them off my back!"
"Wait! Was the last guy Jimmy Denkins?", asked Luan. "The guy whose jaw you dislocated?!" She remembered the incident from when she was still an eighth grader and she went to the same middle school as Lynn, but had never gotten an answer to why she had done it.
"The very one."
"Seriously?! That's why you beat the crap outta him?!", asked Luan.
"Lynn Loud Jr! You got suspended for five days for that!", Rita scolded.
"Whatever. It was worth it. And it wouldn't have happened in the first place if it wasn't for Colleen O'Sullivan!"
"How do you know it was her who put the chocolate on your seat!"
"Everyone saw her! The whole bus did!"
"Than why didn't anyone report her to the principal?"
"Because Colleen is the queen bee, that's why!", Lynn scoffed. "If anyone had the guts to tattle on her, she'd just get back at them and make them sorry. And I couldn't go report her alone, not when it was my word against hers."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry that happened.", said her dad sympathetically.
"That wasn't the last time she targeted me.", Lynn sulked. "There was the time she and her little posse put wads of chewing gum in my baseball helmet. Then there was the time they broke into my locker during gym and replaced my regular clothes with a frilly, foo-foo dress and tights, which I was stuck wearing for the rest of the day! And who could forget when they taped a fake love letter on my crush's locker that was supposedly from me, giving mushy gushy details about how much I looooved him and wanted to marry him someday! And one time, Colleen—"
"Okay, we get it!", said Lana. "She's grade-A animal doo!"
"But she was nice enough to hook Lincoln up with her cousin!", Leni pointed out. "So maybe she's not all that bad?"
Lynn narrowed her eyes. "I dunno. Maybe her cousin's really ugly!"
Lincoln pulled out his phone and tapped at it before turning the screen to his sisters to see. On it, they saw a girl with un-pimpled skin, green eyes, and hair as sunny as her smile.
"Ooh! Is that Patty? She's super pretty!", Lola cooed. "She could win a beauty pageant!"
Lynn did not soften. She rolled her eyes and plopped back on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. "Maybe...but that doesn't change the fact that she's related to that slimy O'Sullivan!"
"So? Aquaman had an evil brother.", said Lincoln.
"Do whatever ya want, Stinkin. But I don't trust anyone who associates with Colleen O'Sullivan. That girl is the devil! The devil wearing kitten heels and lip gloss!"
Before anyone could reply to that, the doorbell rang.
"Omigosh! That must be her!", Lincoln gushed, hopping from one foot to the other. "Oooh, I'm so nervous! You guys think she'll like me?"
"How is that even a question, bro?", cried Luna. "Of course she'll love ya! You got the moves like Swagger!"
"Yeah, Lincoln! Knock 'er dead!", Luan cheered on.
"You've like, totally got this!", said Leni.
"If she doesn't love you, she's literally an idiot.", Lori assured her little brother.
All the Loud sisters cheered their brother on—except for Lynn, who just sulked and sat deeper in the couch. Lynn Sr cleared his throat. "A-hem."
Lynn Jr got the hint. "Lincoln, that girl is a moron if she doesn't fall hard for you." A pause. "But if she breaks your heart, I'll sock her AND her stupid cousin!"
Lincoln smiled.
Ding-dong!
"Coming! Coming! Sorry! Coming!"
"Oh! Don't forget the flowers!", said Lynn Sr. Rita held out the bouquet of wildflowers from their house garden she and Lincoln had picked together specially for his date. Her son took it with a beaming smile, which she happily returned.
Lincoln ran to the door. He smoothed down his orange shirt, slicked back his white hair, and put his hand on the doorknob. Taking a deep breath, he flung open the door—
—and the first thing he heard was a high-pitched, warbly squeal. He looked down to see a large, plump, snorting, wiggling pink farm pig at the door on the front porch, red lipstick smeared all over it's mouth and snout, wearing a rope around it's neck with a sign that said PATTY, and a heart-shaped mylar balloon attached floating just overhead that said I ❤️ LINCOLN.
That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was the four girls from his middle school standing right behind the pig, who were laughing hysterically and snapping photos on their phones.
Among them? Colleen O'Sullivan.
"Enjoy your date, Lincoln!", she said in a cruel mocking tone as she took close-ups of Lincoln's horrified and humiliated face. "Have her back by midnight!"
Her minions all laughed even harder as all four took off towards the running car. That's when Lynn, having recognized her hated foe's voice, popped into the doorway. When she saw the pig and the sign around it's neck, her well-known rage kicked into high gear. Her head shot up just in time to see that stupid O'Sullivan drive off in that stupid car with her stupid friends driven by her stupid high school football jerk jock older brother, laughing their stupid heads.
"O'SULLIVAN! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!"
Lynn took off running after the car with a deadly snarl on her face, racing after it like it was the goalpost, in a tied game with only seconds on the clock, while her parents and sisters coming to the door to see what all the commotion was about. Their reactions to the pig all ranged from shock to horror to rage to devastation for Lincoln.
After a few moments, some of them looked up to see Lynn still chasing the O'Sullivan car, looking just as determined as ever.
"How much doya wanna bet she catches up with them?", asked Lucy.
"Our fifth sister unit is more athletically inclined than others, yes,", said Lisa. "But I doubt even she could catch up with a moving vehicle that drives at thirty-five miles per hour."
"Spoken like someone who doesn't share a room with her.", said Lucy.
